Sweetest Spirit
by Gwdihw
Summary: Thomas reflects on his unlikely friendship with Lady Sybil. Season 3, spoilers galore, you have been warned!


Carson's face was solemn and broken up by grief.

'Lady Sybil is dead. Eclampsia, the doctors say,' he trailed off hopelessly, his usual composure abandoned. Nobody in the room knew what that meant and nobody cared to ask. _She is dead_, that was the only thing of any importance.

'Is there anything we should do, Mr Carson?' Daisy mumbled numbly.

'Carry on, Daisy,' Carson responded gently. 'As we all must.'

People were starting to react. As the reality sunk in, tears pricked at eyes. Anna shuddered and Daisy fell into Mrs Hughes' arms; Carson strode aside, his lip quivering; Thomas swept out of the room, distraught. Anna, despite the mist of her own grief, couldn't help but notice that the valet seemed particularly shattered by the news.

Instinctively, she followed him. It was times like these which set everything aside, all the old bitterness and childish scheming.

He was crying, not just a little wet-eyed, but shaking out of control.

'Thomas,' Anna whispered softly.

He sniffed. 'Don't know why I'm crying really,' he muttered defensively. 'She wouldn't have noticed if I'd died.' Visibly shattered, he still fought to retain his self-preservation, his black humour and his attitude of not giving a damn. Anna was struck for the first time how much Thomas seemed to _want_ people to think the worst of him, and the greatness of the disparity between what he said and what he felt.

'You don't mean that,' Anna chided gently. Her words painfully brought back an old memory like a dam bursting.

He shook his head vehemently. 'No, no, I don't,' he rasped between sobs, still clutching on to the wall for support. He managed to find breath somehow. 'In my life, I can tell you not many have been kind to me. She was one of the few.'

Anna had no difficulty imagining that Thomas had had a difficult life - all that bitterness must have come from somewhere. As much as he didn't make things easy on himself, inventing enemies wherever he could, she realised that the damage had been done before he came to Downton, and it wasn't damage that could be easily fixed.

Anna reached over and clutched his arm, comforting him. She had never liked him and doubted that she ever would, but she finally realised that she understood him.

Mrs Hughes passed and said something, but Thomas couldn't hear her words. He made his way upstairs as quickly as he could; he'd embarrassed himself enough for one night. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried like this. No, that was a lie. He could remember _exactly_ when he'd last cried like this.

_The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the birds were singing. In spite of the war and in spite of his ruined hand, Thomas felt happier than he had in his life as he walked towards the hospital for his shift. _

_He was a little worried about Edward, but was sure that everything would turn out alright. He'd promised the lieutenant the previous day that he would do everything in his power to keep him at the hospital as long a necessary._

_'Everything will be as right as rain, you'll see,' Thomas had said confidently to the beautiful officer. 'Dr Clarkson won't make you go until you are ready, really!'_

_Edward smiled a sweet, lost smile, smiling at a direction several inches away from where Thomas really was. They were in the garden and alone for once. Thomas took the opportunity to grip Edward's upper arm affectionately._

_'Thank you,' Edward whispered, then kissed Thomas very tenderly. Thomas had never been kissed like that before. All his kisses had been about pleasure and lust, never anything gentle and unassuming. _

_Yesterday had been a lovely day despite the complications._

_Thomas noted the difference in the air the second that he entered the building. It was tense; he wondered what had happened._

_Something was wrong. Something was missing. A strapping young officer with a moustache and a mop of dark hair appeared to have stolen Edward's bed._

_'Where is Lieutenant Courtney?' Thomas demanded to one of the nurses._

_'They've just taken the body away,' she shot back, uninterested, too desensitised by the war to care anymore. 'Slit his owns wrists, didn't he, the selfish idiot!' _

_Thomas found himself curiously unable to breath._

_Later, after a few hours of work, he managed to find some time alone. He was afraid that if he started crying he wouldn't be able to stop, but he couldn't hold the tears back any longer._

_The door creaked open and he froze._

_It was Lady Sybil, no, Nurse Crawley, he reminded himself._

_'I thought I might find you here,' she murmured. She didn't seem bothered by the fact that Thomas was crying, she simply closed the door behind her and sat down next to him on the bed. Thomas was suddenly struck by the strangeness of the situation: an Earl's daughter alone with a man in a bedroom._

_'I heard about Edward and I'm very sorry,' she said gently._

_Thomas screwed up his face to stop fresh tears cascading. 'What do I care about that? It's war, plenty of men die. What's it to me that some stupid bloke goes and tops himself?'_

_'You don't mean that,' Sybil chided softly. 'I know how you felt about him and I'm sorry for your loss.' Without warning, she held his hand._

_'Thank you,' Thomas managed to mutter._

_'Don't ever feel ashamed of having loved someone,' she told him firmly._

_She hugged him, holding him for a few long seconds, absorbing the sobs which wracked his body. Thomas felt as though he'd been waiting his entire life for that conversation._


End file.
